Original air date: Nov 3, 1982.
The episode starts with Steven sorting through the mail, looking annoyed as if he's received yet another Hello Fresh promotion.
Steven's father is coming to visit, and Elise asks him whether his dad would like beer or wine for dinner. Steven says "beer, damn it; he's a macho man."
Elise says they have only light beer, but Steven is undisturbed because light beer meets his father's minimum threshold for manliness. Elise asks when his plane is landing. Steven says it arrived an hour ago, and he's taking a taxi from the airport.
Elise is like what kind of son are you, not picking him up yourself? Shame...shame!
But Steven T-boned a cop car the last time they drove together. Steven blames his old man for the accident because the crotchety dude began complaining about Steven's driving as soon as he got in the car. It's rich hearing Steven complain about backseat driving, considering what an obsessively intrusive backseat driver he'll later be revealed as.
Steven tells Elise not to worry because he'll get along with his father this time. The "mail" he was sorting through earlier were actually note cards he made of safe topics the two can discuss...
...such as "the printing press" and "crabgrass." Oh yeah, this visit will be a blast.
Cue Jennifer, who runs in and wants to know when gramps will show up because her bloodlust is strong.
Cue Alex and Mallory, who are also ready for another rumble.
Jennifer asks why Steven argues so much with gramps, and Steven says it's just natural for parents and children to disagree, even as adults. Elise concurs and plans to order Jennifer to clean her room for the rest of her life...
...which makes Jennifer look all shifty.
Ding dong! The kids are thrilled the old geezer has arrived. The geezer's name is Jake Keaton, and he's played by John Randolph. Randolph was a veteran actor, who I remember as George Costanza's original father in Seinfeld before Jerry Stiller was recast in the role.
Elise also warmly greets Jake.
When it's Steven's turn, he goes in for a hug, when Jake is ready for the handshake. Don't you hate when that happens?
Jake is like hugs are for women and the weak, so Steven caves for the handshake. Jake says the trip was great, except the taxi driver sucked and thus must have been sent by Steven.
We don't see them exit the living room, but we next cut to the family entering the dining room. Holy shit! Yes, the dining room has made an unexpected second appearance so early in the series, and its placement still makes no sense with respect to the layout of the rest of the house. Also, the medieval theme of the room looks off.
The entire family carefully processes in single file. Maybe they're entering through a secret passage, or perhaps a magic door like in The Librarians. The portal that brought them there has only so much power, so Elise and the kids quickly exit into what they "claim" to be the kitchen.
But first, Elise asks what Jake would like to drink, and he wants a light beer. Phew!
After Steven and Jake are alone, all Steven can muster is "I guess you like light beer because it's less filling."
Jake's retorts, "No, I like it because it tastes great." And they go back and forth, arguing "Less filling. ... Tastes great." Haha, get it? It's just like that commercial!
Steven pulls out a chair to offer his dad a seat, and Jake's like "thanks, hippie, but I'm sitting at the head of the table," and he does.
Steven sits too and asks his dad how he's been.
Jake says not bad.
Apparently, those were all the pleasantries Steven had memorized because he then pulls out his cue cards.
Instead of sticking with a safe topic like crabgrass, Steven goes out on a limb with some Jerry Seinfeld-esque stand-up: "What's the deal with gas stations? Do you notice how they stopped giving out free maps?"
Jake's like screw maps; I never get lost.
That's the end of that conversation. Elise brings out a huge turkey, and Steven snatches it from her as if to say, "look pa, I can't cook, but I can set the table!"
Jake asks Jennifer if she likes the roller skates he just gave her, and the ungrateful brat is like, "Actually, I wanted red ones."
Elise is horrified that Jennifer's secretly been squeezing gramps for gifts.
Jennifer's nonchalantly like, nah, I didn't ask the old geezer for them; I just wrote him to say I was going to buy them myself with money I'll have to earn by dropping out of school and getting a full-time job. The manipulative, ungrateful brat.
Alex asks Jake if he's been hunting lately, and Jake gleefully reports that he shot eight beautiful mallards.
Steven makes a snide comment about this to Elise.
Jake's like, I ain't deaf; I heard you say something, whippersnapper.
Steven's not too quick on his feet and finally is just like: I said, congrats, dad, you devilish duck killer, you.
Alex has heard the call of the wild and wants to go hunting with gramps next year. Mallory wants to shoot some ducks too. Alex tells her no way, although she can have the womanly honor of cooking their kills.
This is getting out of hand, so Steven prohibits either of them from going because mallard slaughter conflicts with school.
Speaking of school, Jake asks the kids what they're learning. Alex just finished a book about Richard Nixon in history class.
Predictably, Jake gets all reverent about Saint Nix.
This is a bridge too far for Steven, who reaches for his own gun to do some arch-conservative hunting. Nah...the gun is still a few episodes away. Instead, he's going back to the cue cards.
Elise snatches a card out of Steven's warm, live hands. "How's Daylight Saving Time been treating ya?" she asks from the card. (By the date this episode aired, Daylight Saving Time would have ended, but whatever.)
Jake stands and grabs a knife. Uh oh, is gramps pissed off about sunlight? Nah, he's just going to carve more turkey.
But it intimidates Elise, who goes on a rambling monologue exalting the joys of extra sunny Vitamin D.
Jake ignores her and declares "Nixon was framed, you know." Alex looks up at him, thinking "Yes, my wise Sith Lord, tell us more."
Steven can't sit and play nice any longer.
He quietly excuses himself from the room.
Once he's safely through The Librarians' magic door, an off-screen roar bellows: "HE WAS NOT FRAMED! HE WAS A CROOK!", which is the funniest bit in the episode.
Jake is all WTF was that?
Elise tries to laugh it off, like: "Yeah, sometimes in the dining room we hear disembodied screams. That's why we typically stay out of here."
Steven casually strolls back in.
He sits and calmly asks Jennifer to pass the potatoes.
It's impossible not to laugh here. God bless Michael Gross and his comic chops.
That night, Steven and Elise are actually in their bedroom. Because it's a private space, naturally they aren't getting it on. Instead, Elise is brushing her hair before bed while Steven rants about his inability to get along with his dad.
Looks like I spoke too soon before because Elise watching Steven all worked up has gotten her worked up. She starts massaging his shoulders.
Her feminine wiles make him forget he even has a father.
Ah wait, they left their bedroom door open, which means the bedroom isn't really a private space. That explains the make-out session. And because of this, of course Mallory enters and unwillingly endures yet more psychological torment. She begs them to close the door next time. Silly Mallory, that would kill their thrill.
Mallory complains that Jennifer's gone wild and is riding around Mal's room in the non-red roller skates she extorted from gramps.
And, if proof was needed, Jennifer suddenly spins in the doorway like she's figure skating.
As she skates off, Elise says she'll go stop little Tonya Harding. She tells Steven to go to bed. There's a continuity error here in that we never see Mallory leave the room, or even get up from the bed...
...which made me do a double take when Steven climbs under the covers. But, no, it's clear that Mal's no longer there.
Just as Steven's about to have naughty dreams about Elise, Jake invites himself in, wanting to talk to Steven about their getting off on the wrong foot that evening.
Steven appreciates the gesture, and Jake's like there's nothing to appreciate, ya hippie. And they're back at it again.
They can't even agree on whether it's night or day. Maybe Daylight Saving Time really has thrown gramps off.
They cool down a bit. Jake wants to spend some time with Alex during his visit, so he's going to pull him out of school on Thursday.
Steven says no way, and Jake doesn't get what the big deal is. They argue about the value, or lack thereof, of Steven's education.
After Steven makes some sarcastic remarks, Jake tells him he doesn't like his attitude.
Steven gets all crazy-eyed and says right back at ya, pop. And he states definitively that Alex ain't going nowhere.
Jake is pissed that he can't spend a day with his grandson on what will be his final visit.
Steven's even more pissed, interpreting Jake's comment as a refusal to return to see them unless he gets his way.
Jake's like, no you dumbass, this is my last trip because I'm dying.
I like how they shot this moment. A lesser show would have shot Jake from the front when he dropped the bombshell. But keeping the camera on Steven's reaction, with his dad in the foreground quietly saying the line to the side, is much more effective.
After the commercial break, it's later that night and Steven is bemoaning to Elise about all the petty arguments he's ever had with his dad.
Jake's been roaming the house and wanders into the kitchen. He seems pretty chipper for a dead man walking.
Steven and Elise ask whether he's 100% certain and whether he's tried all possible treatments.
Steven tells Jake to cut the shit because it isn't funny, but Jake continues deflecting. He asks that they don't tell the kids because he wants his visit to be happy. He stands, and Steven asks where he's going. "Up, I hope," Jake retorts good naturedly.
Steven stops him before he can leave the room, saying they need to talk about "the arrangements" and straight-out asks what kind of funeral he wants. Jesus, Steven. He told you he was dying no more than a couple hours ago and it's the middle of the night. I think this talk can wait a few days.
Jake says "I don't know. Surprise me." And then he leaves. I should mention that the audience has laughed at all Jake's quips, which admittedly are pretty funny given the circumstances.
It's morning, and Jake's all cheerful from chopping firewood. Steven's like WTF are you doing that for and takes the logs. (I also don't know why he's doing this; the fireplace is not used.)
Jennifer tells Jake that for show-and-tell at school she's bringing in the stuffed porcupine he gave her. Oh my. Was this a spontaneous gift or another of Jennifer's manipulations? Either way, where the hell has she been storing it?
Steven starts to tell Jennifer that's the dumbest shit he's ever heard, but upon seeing his dad's expression, he abruptly about-faces and says he thinks "the other kids will really get a kick out of that porcupine." (Missed dad joke here: should have replaced "kick" with "prick.")
Elise asks Jake if he wants any tea, and he's all do I look like I douche? Bring me a manly black coffee.
Alex, who's drinking orange juice, is like yeah, me too. I'm a man now. Didn't you see last week's episode?
Elise asks if he's sure because it would be his first cup of coffee. If that's true, then Alex had "hot coffee" before he ever had hot coffee. Heh.
Jake assumes Alex orders his girlfriend to do his homework for him, because that's something real men do I guess. Mallory, who's serving Alex breakfast for some reason, says she doubts it because his girlfriend can't read.
Two things here. First, Mallory poking fun at someone else's intelligence will become very ironic very soon. Second, who's Alex's girlfriend? Is it Monica Dillon, who he sorta cheated on with Stephanie? Perhaps Mallory's just bustin' his balls.
Jake's like who cares if she's dumb as a rock, so long as she's cute, cooks, and copulates. Yikes. I want to root for Jake, yet he's making it tough.
But Steven's firmly on Team Jake and is like: you tell 'em, dad; just keep them all barefoot and pregnant.
Elise gives Steven a look that makes it clear he's not getting lucky that night (or that afternoon—whenever it was they next planned to ravage each other).
Steven isn't deterred, though. He's apparently decided that sympathizing with his dad means he must act as his twin. About women, he says: "Less learnin'; more earnin." Yeah, Steven ain't getting any for a week now.
Even Jennifer calls him on his bullshit.
Mallory must be subliminally following the manly mantra of Jake and Steven, as she continues her womanly duty of serving the table.
Jake announces he wants to spend the day with Alex. Alex says he can't because he has midterms.
Alex ignores that and tells Jake midterms are over at noon, so he can pick him up from school then. That sounds like a simpler solution than having to repeat 12th grade.
Jake wants them to go fishing. Duck slaughter can wait for another day. He also jokes that he wants to get Alex tattooed.
That night, the rest of the Keatons are waiting for Alex and Jake to return from the lake with what they caught for dinner. But Jennifer has no patience. She says if they're not back in 15 minutes, she's ordering pizza and they can go to hell.
Elise tries to get Jennifer excited about descaling and beheading fish, and then abruptly decides eff it, she's right; call Dominos.
"The men are back," Alex announces as they enter. The men suck at fishing, though, so they brought back hamburgers from the market instead.
Jennifer's all unenthusiastically like "Hamburgers...wow..." And you can just tell she wants to throw those hamburger patties in the trash next to her non-red roller skates.
As the women folk (and Alex) go to the kitchen, Steven tells Jake he called the Mayo Clinic and there's potential good news because they have a treatment for Jake's unspecified ailment that could extend his life "for a while."
Jake says he knows all about the treatment, but he's not interested in spending the rest of his life being cared for in a hospital bed.
Steven tells him to cut the macho shit because this is serious. They could find a cure in that extra time. (Cure for what??)
Jake hopes they do find a cure, but he won't be around to see it. He wants to die the way he lived.
"You'll die the way you lived, all right: pigheaded and stubborn." Ouch, Steven.
But he doesn't stop there. He lays into his father for never listening to a word he's said and never giving him any credit.
Jake is like a hippie like you never deserved any credit. Steven says he merely stood up for the ideas he believed in. Jake presumes Steven was trying to bully him into his ideology.
Exacerbated, Steven shouts that he only wanted Jake to respect the fact that he could have his own ideas. And for them to set aside their differences so that Jake would want to spend a day with him like the one he just spent with Alex.
Steven sits on the couch. Jake joins him, admitting it was always difficult for him to show emotion, as he saw it as a sign of weakness.
Steven says what really bothered him growing up was when Jake took another kid to a father-son picnic instead of Steven, and Jake said he explained that: he thought the kid was Steven and, when he realized his mistake, he didn't want to hurt the kid's feelings, and Steven's like inviting the kid again the next year was too much, and Jake's like we had to go back because we were the reigning champs in the ping-pong tournament...
At this point I'm yelling WTF are the writers doing? Although the audience has a good laugh, this asinine and outlandish story undercuts the brutal honesty of the argument the two just had. Gross and Randolph's acting is too good for such poor writing. I get the need for a bit of levity to ease the tension, but they should have come up with something remotely realistic to match the set tone.
After the nonsensical tale finally ends, Jake confesses that he never gave Steven much of a reason to like him. "Like you?" Steven says, "Damn it, Dad, I love you." Oof. Felt that in the feels.
Then Jake's like I didn't say I didn't love you. And Steven's like I didn't say you didn't say it. And Jake's like well, it was implied. See, writers, this is the type of humor you should have used a minute ago. Not some absurd anecdote about Jake basically kidnapping someone else's son.
Jake drops the pretense and tells Steven he loves him and always has. His biggest mistake was not telling him until it's too late.
Steven, of course, says it's never too late.
No caption needed.
They decide to make time tomorrow to find something they can do together. So, no Mortal Kombat Fatality this year. Instead, Friendship!
There's a weird tag where Steven randomly asks what song Jake used to sing him to sleep as a boy, and his dad starts singing "The Marines' Hymn" to Steven's disbelief. And that's the end.
I have such mixed feelings about this one. It's the first Steven-centric episode, and Gross and Randolph carry it well. Both act their asses off in comedy and drama. They do their best with what the script gives them, which is the problem. The script seems like a hodgepodge of lines from different writers. Too many goofy moments surround powerful scene work. I know it's a sitcom, but if you're going for a somber tone, you need humor that's grounded in the real world. Some was; some was not.
There's an interesting generational dynamic of Jake and Steven having to learn to agree to disagree just like Steven and Alex had to in the pilot, but that's not enough. Also, Steven and Jake are written inconsistently. Did Steven ask about funeral arrangements just to set up a punchline? As for Jake, sometimes he's sympathetic, but sometimes he's a jackass who's extremely difficult to like. I suppose you could say that puts the audience in Steven's complex shoes, but it just comes across as awkward.
And it's weird that Jake's terminal illness is never identified, especially when he and Steven argue back and forth about the possibility of treatment and a cure. The writers won't forget about Jake's ailing health, as Steven and his brother will have to deal with its ramifications later, although Jake himself (at least in present day) isn't seen again.
As for this episode, though, on acting it's an A. On writing, it's a C. So, overall...
My grade: B
Firsts: Steven and Elise's bedroom
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