Original air date: Sep 29, 1982.
Another cold open. Elise and Steven are ready to head off on a weekend trip to the lake. What lake, you ask? No idea. But I searched and Lake Erie is a two to three hour drive from Columbus, OH. Later in the series they will establish that the Keatons live outside Columbus, so unless that is retconned in these early episodes, Lake Erie is a good bet. Or it could be some dumpy pond. It doesn't matter.
Mallory asks why they're going to meet the Davises there again. Elise gives some thinly veiled exposition in which she tells the kids that she and Steven met the Davises—Ron and Suzanne—on their honeymoon, and this lake trip has been a yearly tradition ever since. It sounds like something 15-year-old Mallory would already know.
Steven wants to bring four tennis rackets in case he needs to clobber Ron over the head. You see, Steven and Ron have a friendly rivalry that borders on obsessive male egotism.
Elise is nervous about leaving the kids alone, as they apparently have never left them alone before. Alex tells them not to worry because he'll be in charge. This setup is a good one, which the writers will execute to much better effect in Season 3.
Jennifer takes issue with Alex being in charge because she thinks every individual is responsible for his or her own life. Steven says he appreciates Jennifer's existential perspective, but STFU. Hey, Jennifer's recurring interest in existentialism is established at the start of the series! Nice.
With the kids arguing who should be in charge, Elise has second thoughts about going. Mal jumps in and praises her parents for putting Alex in charge, and the parents get the hint and scram.
After the credits, we see that the kids wasted no time in throwing a rager. This must all have been meticulously preplanned. Jennifer is taking pictures because she wants to show their parents how they spent the weekend.
Alex looks at her like WTF is wrong with you? But I'm thinking WTF is wrong with him? He has his nine-year-old sister at a party with people making out all over the place, which Alex tries to convince her is merely people trying to remove things from each other's eye.
Right. No normal nine-year-old would believe that, and neither does Jennifer.
Mallory gets all fan-girly because Alex knows Eric Morrison and invited him to the party. Mal says he's so cool because all the girls' parents hate him, which is kind of funny.
Eric comes over, and it's immediately clear he's a douchebag. First, he calls Alex by just "Keaton." Second, he gives him a shoulder punch as a hello. Third, he's dressed like a stand-in on Miami Vice. Fourth, he immediately hits on Mal in front of Alex. Fifth, when Mal says he's Eric Morrison, he replies "yeah, lucky for me." Sixth... Ah screw it; no one is going to argue he's not a douchebag.
Mal asks if he'd like a cold drink, and Eric is all wow, I was just thinking I wanted a cold drink, so we must be on the same psychic wavelength. Jesus. The guy is decent-enough looking (in a Patrick Bateman way); why's his game so terrible? But Mal falls for it and goes off to get the unspecified cold drink.
Eric, who I will brand Mr. Sketch from this point forward, checks out the slabs of meat he sees in the room and tells Alex his biggest problem is deciding which slab to take with him in his new wheels. Mr. Sketch also tells Alex that when he hears his howl, he's on the prowl, which is something I didn't need or want to know.
Mr. Sketch actually asks Mallory "Come here often?" and Mal actually laughs. This is all sorts of yuck. They cheer their grape juice.
Meanwhile, at the lakeside cabin, Elise has some nookie-nookie on her mind, but Steven wants to squeeze in a triathlon first so he's in top form for Ron. Elise again is worried about the male unbonding that will inevitably occur, especially when she learns Steven moved their stuff to the other bedroom because he measured it and it's slightly larger.
Ron doesn't waste any time busting Steven's balls for not having a 4WD car, and we know immediately where this is headed. Ron tries to take the first-class bedroom, but Steven steers him toward the coach cabin (pun!).
And to undercut her point, Ron promptly (and correctly) accuses Steven of taking the big room.
Back at the house party, someone turns off the lights to really get the orgy going. That's too far for Alex, who switches them back on. The lip-smacking couple in the foreground are oblivious until Alex announces that it's house rules that the lights stay on.
Then this vixen's like screw that, Alex (who she calls Albert), turn off the lights and I'll screw you! Alex promptly changes his name and reverses the house rules, and the lights go back off. Ow ow!
Not for long, though, because the phone rings. Alex gets it. It's Steven, who asks about the noise but seems placated by Alex's dumb excuse that it's just the TV. We don't hear the other side of the conversation, but Steven apparently asks to speak to Jennifer and Mallory. I thought Steven was about to wrestle Ron to exercise a primal male right to mate with the loser's wife or something?
Anyway, Jennifer casually tells Alex that Mallory left with "some guy," which we know is code for Mr. Sketch. Alex gets all freaked out and tells his dad that Mallory is insulating the attic. Good cover, Keaton!
Alex hangs up and heads outside, presumably to track down Mallory. But no sooner does he open the door when we hear the dreaded prowl howl. Ick ick ick.
Regardless, Alex tells Jennifer that Mr. Sketch may not act like a gentleman with Mallory. Jennifer doesn't give a shit, and tells Alex he's a failure and orders him to rub her tummy. What the hell is with this kid?
This...doesn't look right, especially as the camera slowly zooms in on the rubbing. I want out of this plot, damn it. Give me Ron and Suzie!
Jennifer tells him to rub clockwise, then counterclockwise, and eventually tells Alex he sucks at rubbing her stomach, so that stops (Thank God). Alex says he regrets ever agreeing to throw a party, which he legit refers to as an orgy, and bemoans his bad judgment.
Mallory returns, looking a bit forlorn and disheveled. Alex unloads on her for skipping out with Mr. Sketch. She tries to go up to bed, but he demands she sit down and confess all the indecent details. She refuses, they argue, and she storms upstairs. And, blessedly, Jennifer slept through the whole thing.
Back at the cabin (damn you, cabin, where were you when I needed you two minutes ago), the guests enter with Ron rubbing a trophy in Steven's face that proves he and Suzanne are the best dancers at the resort. Not sure how that competition went, but I'm sure it would have been a better watch than Alex tending to Jennifer's every demand like she was Norma Desmond.
Suzanne doesn't look too happy with Ron about the trophy, which makes me wonder how she mustered the enthusiasm to be half of the triumphant dancing duo.
Apparently, dancing was only part of the overall competition. Steven totals up the different events: dancing, swimming, golf driving, archery, and a spelling bee (what fun). The daily total has the Davises up by 24, but Steven says he and Elise are still ahead by 34 points. How? Isn't it the same day? Whatever.
The husbands still want to compete, and the wives are bored and annoyed (join the club, wives). The husbands decide the only way to determine who is the champion of the cosmos is a game of Monopoly. Ron orders Suzanne to get his dice from the bedroom. Why not use the dice in the game box? Maybe he brought along weighted dice for just this possibility.
But Suzanne has had it. She says no dice (second pun!). She lays into Ron and says if he ever wants to lay into her again he better join her in the bedroom. But Ron doesn't seem too concerned, and Steven is completely oblivious in his own obsession.
All this reminiscing has gotten them hot and bothered. Per usual, they demonstrate their physical affection in a common area rather than their bedroom. Steven says he's going to talk to Ron in the morning and drop the competition.
Cue Ron, who exits his bedroom in a robe, cigarette in hand, claiming another "victory." Eww. WTF, Ron? And he and Suzanne were in there for two minutes; I'm not sure that makes a victorious statement. Although it might be he is claiming just the first of several rounds because he goes back in for more. I really don't want to think about it.
Neither do Steven and Elise.
Back at the Keaton residence, it's the next day. Alex still wants to confront Mallory, and Mallory still avoids him.
After Jennifer effs off upstairs, Alex offers a half-hearted apology to Mallory before demanding details about her hot night with Mr. Sketch. Mal's had enough of his shit and says she's old enough to take care of herself, and that he's only acting this way because she has a vagina.
Alex denies this; he's acting this way because she has a vagina AND is his sister.
Ding dong! Mr. Sketch, now looking like Fabian, has arrived with flowers for Mallory, and perhaps a song and dance. Alex says he should go home, and Mr. Sketch says Mallory should be the one to decide that. Mallory agrees...
...and promptly tosses the flowers in the trash. Woo hoo! I would have preferred her stuffing them down his throat, but I'll take what I can get.
Mr. Sketch looks all butthurt, and Mal asks what he's even doing here.
Mr. Sketch says he came by to give her another chance because *obviously* she wasn't thinking clearly last night when she refused to drive his stick shift. He considers that her "biorhythms" might have been off. Even the studio audience seemed taken back by that.
Mallory is incredulous and rails into him, but not in the way he wants, calling him an egotistical, conceited jerk. Come on, Mal, you can do better than that.
She orders him out of the house. So he goes...
Alex is stunned that his sister can handle herself.
They brush aside the attempted sexual assault business, which Jennifer overhears, much too easily. Mallory thanks Alex for caring about her welfare, and Jennifer snaps a photo of them hugging to put in her scrapbook next to the one she took of the couch horndogs.
It feels like the episode should end there, but after a quick fade to black and back, the kids are busy cleaning up the living room before their parents walk in. Well, Mallory and Alex are at least. Jennifer's still up on the balcony and is barking orders. I don't think she cleaned a thing.
Also, what's left to clean up? I noted how the living room looked pristine after all the raunchy revelers disappeared off screen. And even if there was still stuff to clean, they had the rest of the prior night and all day to do it, which Alex could have done if he wasn't busy serenading Jennifer and rubbing her tummy.
Whatever was left to do, they finish just in time to sit down and "act natural" as their parents walk in.
Steven and Elise are thrilled with their model children, and the kids almost get away with it...
...but then Jennifer volunteers to show them her PG-13 photos. Mallory looks at Alex like WTF is wrong with her? But Alex, who's been Jennifer's kept man the entire episode, is too scared of her to react.
Overall, this episode is a slight step up from the pilot. Once again, the good stuff is thanks to Mallory and Alex, especially Mallory. Unfortunately, she was off screen for a large segment. Steven's competition with Ron sucked, in part because we didn't see any of it. Elise once again was there just to center Steven. And Jennifer's bossiness, which I do enjoy in small doses, was way too much. But there's still a lot of potential to be tapped. Don't worry, folks, the episodes get better from here.
My grade: C+
Firsts: The cabin; Ron & Suzanne
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