S1.E3. I Know Jennifer's Boyfriend

Original air date: Oct 6, 1982.

No cold open. (They'll rarely appear going forward, fortunately.) Instead, after the intro theme, we go right into Jennifer looking pissed and carrying newspapers.

She and her pint-sized partner drop them into a pile, and then she steals Alex's newspaper without missing a beat, which is funny. 

Alex asks why the hell she took his paper and snatches it back. Jennifer says she's recycling it, and Alex says she's a sucky environmentalist. I'm glad to see this week Alex has regained the balls to stand up to Jennifer. It's also cool to see that Jennifer's recurring passion for environmentalism is established so early in the series.

Pint-sized partner, though, ain't afraid of no Alex and tells him environmentalists rock. Alex tells him to eff off.

Jennifer tells Alex that without environmentalism, the world would slowly spiral into irreversible despair. There'd be ecological destruction, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!

Alex pauses to take this in, and then tells her to "grow up." Fox's comic timing in this series is stellar, and his line here got a laugh from me.

Elise and Mallory return from the grocery store with unrecognizable products that Alex calls cattle food. (Note for future discussion about the placement of the driveway that they enter from the LEFT of the screen and through the kitchen door.)

We learn that pint-sized partner has a name—Justin—when Elise asks is he can stay for dinner. But after seeing the inedible shlock that they brought in, Justin tells her he wish he could but he has to wash his hair tonight. Jeremy Schoenberg, who plays Justin Perkins, had a short, mostly unremarkable career as a kid actor. He was, however, the voice of Linus in The Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show and other Charlie Brown shorts in the 80s, which is cool.

The phone rings, and Elise answers it. The caller asks for "Mrs. Perkins." Jennifer snatches the phone and tells the caller to cut it out, and then gets progressively angrier with her retorts until she slams the phone down. She then tries to save face by saying it was a wrong number. But Justin spills the beans that Jennifer's being teased by girls at school because they like to play together. Jennifer adds that the girls taunt her by sing-song speaking "I know Jennifer's boyfriend." That was a pretty fast drop of the episode title.

Elise is sad to hear this and asks Justin how he's holding up with the teasing. He says he doesn't give a shit. Then he says he would be friends with Jennifer no matter what gender she was, but admits the fact that she's a girl makes it more "exciting" to him. 

He doesn't elaborate, and the audience laughs, but Elise holds her daughter a little tighter.

Mallory has a "terrific idea" for Jennifer's upcoming birthday party that will cheer her up, which Jennifer correctly deduces means it involves boys. Mallory's like, of course, and refers to a party with only girls as "a wake." She's going to be 10, Mal. Also, didn't you hear the problem they were just discussing?

She elaborates. Her idea is to have a 50s party. Not a bad theme, but a little strange coming from Mallory, who otherwise views pre-80s fashion as prehistoric.

Steven enters and picks up the phone when it rings. It's the Mean Girls again, and Jennifer grabs the receiver, flips out at them a second time, and runs out of the room.

Elise and Alex fill Steven in on the teasing, and he's pissed. When the phone rings yet again, he immediately berates at length the prepubescent girls on the other end of the line, who turn out to actually be Elise's mother (poor Kate). Predicable, but funny.

Sometime later, Steven laments to Elise that with all the societal progress made in the past decades, particularly Sesame Street, fourth-grade boys and girls still don't get along.

The talk of children's TV programming puts them in the mood. OK, writers we get it. They're perpetually horny and have no time to reach the bedroom.

Inevitably, Mallory enters, this time with Jennifer in tow, who Mal tries to protect from the PDA torture she has had to bear witness to for years. But Jennifer's like, "I've seen worse," which is true, considering last week she was the self-designated orgy photographer.

Then Jennifer starts to spill the beans on Mallory's secret carnal congregations, as Mal considers strangling her.

Alex announces he's going out for a hamburger because the rabbit food Elise served for dinner sucked. Mal's going but not Jennifer, because she has to recycle more newspapers and donate the proceeds to the wildlife preservation fund. Did people used to get money from recycling newspapers like aluminum cans? If so, does the wildlife preservation fund accept donations in coins?

After Alex and Mal go, and Steven makes himself scarce, Jennifer tells Elise that boys suck. Elise says they're not all bad, look at Alex. Jennifer's like, thanks for proving my point.

Jennifer says that Chrissy will stop being her friend if she keeps hanging out with Justin. Oh, Chrissy, you imaginary bitch. That better not have been you on the phone before...although it's a possibility because we didn't hear if anyone was actually on the other end of the line.

Later, Steven's very excited to announce he's rented a jukebox with all 50s hits, specifically mentioning "Earth Angel" and a hit by Chuck Berry. For just a moment, Marty McFly astral projects into Alex's body.

Jennifer returns from the recycling center, bemoaning that they gave her only 77 cents for a whole truckload of newspapers. Yeah, that's what I figured. Maybe her parents should have prepared her for this inevitable disappointment.

Elise asks where Justin is because he was supposed to be joining them for dinner. Jennifer's like: eff that incel; the manosphere sucks!

It's now the day before the birthday party, and Mallory's all chipper as she returns with the decorations.

Jennifer's still going on about how this party will suck because boys suck, red pill, blah blah blah. 

Elise is like, well you're shit out of luck because the invitations already went out and there's no backsies. 

Ding dong! It's Justin. Jennifer's like, oh shit it's mini Andrew Tate, and she effs off outside.

Justin comes in anyway, and Steven and Elise consider locking the door and keeping him as a replacement for Jennifer. 

Justin's sad because he's heard 80% of girls are attracted to 20% of guys, and so the odds of him getting with Jennifer are slim. He legit says "I really feel the absence of her in my life." Seriously? What exactly did she contribute to his life besides newspapers? Considering we never see him again after this episode, I guess he'll be feeling her absence forever.

Elise says she's sorry Jennifer's been acting like a bitch, and Justin's all STFU, and asks Steven to walk him home. Elise says she'd be happy to do it, and Justin's like I told you to STFU, femoid.

As Steven walks Justin home, Elise tries to pry herself into Jennifer's room. Seriously. Jennifer has stacked all her shit up against the door. Elise asks when she's going to clean up her room, and Jennifer's like do as Justin said and STFU.

Elise wants Jennifer to apologize to Justin, which Jennifer reluctantly agrees to do (if she does, we never see it), but she still doesn't want to be his friend. Elise is like tough shit; I pick your friends and that's that.

Elise helps Jennifer straighten up her room. She says it's important for boys and girls to be friends; otherwise when they grow up, they'll get involved in "role play." What Elise means is that her sexual history consisted of dressing up like Svetlana the Slutty Soviet Servant to seduce her litany of man-boys.

Jennifer's disgusted and is like: that sounds like Mallory; please don't tell me I'll grow up to be her. Elise comforts her by saying she won't become a whore. Instead, she'll be "Jennifer," who Elise describes as "funny" (eh), "warm" (what??), and "sweet" (BAHAHAHA).

Jennifer's still unsure about being friends with Justin, and Elise tells her to go to sleep because this conflict is taking too long to resolve.

It's the day of the party, y'all! Marty McFly is back, as Alex is wearing Marty's "inconspicuous" disguise from Back to the Future Part II.

Steven pokes fun at him, but considering he's decided to cosplay as a Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas stand-in, he shouldn't talk.

Elise walks in wearing a poodle skirt, and Steven does some weird mating dance.

This turns Elise on enough that she strokes the jukebox, which might constitute first-base "pawing" in the Family Ties universe. Alex tells them to keep it in their pants because the elementary school kids will be arriving soon. 

Fashion cop Mallory chases Jennifer down the stairs, prohibiting her to attend a party without finishing her lipstick. Jennifer's all, fine, I'll listen to you because you're not a boy.

Ding dong! Alex considers it suspicious that everyone invited to the party showed up at the same time. Silly Alex, it wouldn't be a Keaton-hosted event otherwise!

On second thought, maybe Alex was right to be skeptical. Like 30 kids rush in at once. I guess they rented a bus. Note that none of these cheap punks brought any gifts. BTW, is Chrissy here? Where's Chrissy?!

Without a word, the kids immediately segregate themselves by sex. 

Elise and Steven try to get some comingling going on by forcing the boys and girls to the center of the room, and it looks like there might be a rumble. But instead they pass through each other and the groups just end up switching sides, again without a word.

Elise and Steven won't stand for segregation, even when it's voluntary. They rented the jukebox, damn it, so there will be dancing! They enlist Mallory and Alex to interrogate the girls and boys, respectively. The two groups' lists of demands boils down to nobody wants to be the first to ask someone from the other group to dance. Alex accurately proclaims that the party is dead. 

Jennifer is in a fury and flips the eff out at Elise for ruining her party by inviting the infidels (i.e., the boys). When Elise pushes back on her attitude, Jennifer bears her fangs and prepares to suck blood.

Elise and the rest of the family use their crosses and garlic to force Jennifer down on the couch. Elise tells Jennifer that she sucks (more than just as a vampire) and that the only way to revive the failing party is for her to ask her "mandatory friend" Justin to dance. 

Jennifer's afraid of people laughing at her if she does. I think the personal conversation they're currently having in clear earshot of all her guests is more embarrassing than asking a boy to dance, but what do I know?

Like the party, this plot is stuck in neutral, so Elise puts on a song and proclaims that the next dance is ladies' choice. All the kids moan because they've been held captive at this crappy party for hours with no food or drink.

The boys are especially pissed because they can't go to the bathroom without crossing the 38th parallel. I like the boy who gives Elise's announcement two big thumbs down.

Jennifer, feeling the pressure from Mommie Dearest, slinks over to the boys' side, head down. Apparently, now all the other girls really want to get their groove on and rush over to just behind Jennifer to wait for her signal. It's unclear why these very invested girls need Jennifer's go-ahead, but whatever.

Jennifer crosses to Justin, and Elise looks concerned that Jennifer might get stabbed by one of the pint-sized Jets.

Jennifer unenthusiastically asks Justin to dance, and he smiles slightly creepily and replies "I thought you'd never ask," which is a pretty lame resolution to their conflict.

The other girls waste no time running to collect their boy-toy dance partners because at this point they're all bored as hell. The plot resolved, Elise slyly calls Steven "Sailor" and asks him to dance. Maybe this is part of the role play she alluded to earlier.

Mallory refuses to be the only girl at a party not dancing, even if it's a birthday party for a 10 year old. She sizes up the last remaining hunk of man meat, and Alex is like sure, why not, I've had next to nothing to do this episode. The end comes with everyone dancing, and Elise quietly wishing Jennifer "happy birthday." What, no cake?

While not bad, this episode was not nearly as good as I had remembered. One pro is that Jennifer does not come across as completely unhinged. That is, until near the end when she flips her shit at Elise in front of everyone. Elise and Jennifer have to carry this episode, and they do a decent job for much of it. Their heart-to-heart in the bedroom is pretty good, and there are some funny lines throughout. 

The biggest con is the party scene, which is the last third of the episode. It's boring. It might have been improved by giving lines to some of the kids to showcase other personalities. Not counting "Boooo!", none of the guests utter a line except Justin, and he only has one line here. And where the hell is Chrissy? They should have at least established who she is and written her some lines, given the episode's earlier reference to her. I wonder if this was a cost-saving measure to pay the child actors as extras instead of paying them more as speaking roles. 

Whatever the reason, it feels artificial and eerily quiet, particularly in contrast to the loud family altercation going on in the middle of the room. Sure, the two groups of kids aren't talking to each other, but why aren't they talking amongst themselves? It's also predictable. As soon as the scene starts, we know it will end with Jennifer asking Justin to dance, so we're just left waiting for that moment. 

Another thing that might have helped would have been to add a B plot involving Mallory and Alex (and maybe Steven).

However, for a Jennifer-centric episode, this is one of the better ones, and her one freak-out aside, she doesn't come across as a total psycho. In last episode's review, I promised the episodes will get better, and I didn't lie. This one is marginally better. Next episode, though, is the first undeniably good/great episode of the series, and I'm excited to cover it. As for this one...

My grade: B-

Firsts: house entry via the kitchen door; all guests to a Keaton event show up at once

S1.E2. Not With My Sister You Don't

Original air date: Sep 29, 1982.

Another cold open. Elise and Steven are ready to head off on a weekend trip to the lake. What lake, you ask? No idea. But I searched and Lake Erie is a two to three hour drive from Columbus, OH. Later in the series they will establish that the Keatons live outside Columbus, so unless that is retconned in these early episodes, Lake Erie is a good bet. Or it could be some dumpy pond. It doesn't matter.

Mallory asks why they're going to meet the Davises there again. Elise gives some thinly veiled exposition in which she tells the kids that she and Steven met the Davises—Ron and Suzanne—on their honeymoon, and this lake trip has been a yearly tradition ever since. It sounds like something 15-year-old Mallory would already know.

Steven wants to bring four tennis rackets in case he needs to clobber Ron over the head. You see, Steven and Ron have a friendly rivalry that borders on obsessive male egotism.

Elise is nervous about leaving the kids alone, as they apparently have never left them alone before. Alex tells them not to worry because he'll be in charge. This setup is a good one, which the writers will execute to much better effect in Season 3.

Jennifer takes issue with Alex being in charge because she thinks every individual is responsible for his or her own life. Steven says he appreciates Jennifer's existential perspective, but STFU. Hey, Jennifer's recurring interest in existentialism is established at the start of the series! Nice.

With the kids arguing who should be in charge, Elise has second thoughts about going. Mal jumps in and praises her parents for putting Alex in charge, and the parents get the hint and scram.

The kids say their goodbyes from the doorway. (Note for later that they're looking to the right, indicating that's where the driveway is.) As soon as they're out of sight, the kids race for the phone, and roll intro.

After the credits, we see that the kids wasted no time in throwing a rager. This must all have been meticulously preplanned. Jennifer is taking pictures because she wants to show their parents how they spent the weekend. 

Alex looks at her like WTF is wrong with you? But I'm thinking WTF is wrong with him? He has his nine-year-old sister at a party with people making out all over the place, which Alex tries to convince her is merely people trying to remove things from each other's eye.

Right. No normal nine-year-old would believe that, and neither does Jennifer.

Mallory gets all fan-girly because Alex knows Eric Morrison and invited him to the party. Mal says he's so cool because all the girls' parents hate him, which is kind of funny.

Eric comes over, and it's immediately clear he's a douchebag.  First, he calls Alex by just "Keaton." Second, he gives him a shoulder punch as a hello. Third, he's dressed like a stand-in on Miami Vice. Fourth, he immediately hits on Mal in front of Alex. Fifth, when Mal says he's Eric Morrison, he replies "yeah, lucky for me." Sixth... Ah screw it; no one is going to argue he's not a douchebag.

Mal asks if he'd like a cold drink, and Eric is all wow, I was just thinking I wanted a cold drink, so we must be on the same psychic wavelength. Jesus. The guy is decent-enough looking (in a Patrick Bateman way); why's his game so terrible? But Mal falls for it and goes off to get the unspecified cold drink.

Eric, who I will brand Mr. Sketch from this point forward, checks out the slabs of meat he sees in the room and tells Alex his biggest problem is deciding which slab to take with him in his new wheels. Mr. Sketch also tells Alex that when he hears his howl, he's on the prowl, which is something I didn't need or want to know.

Mallory returns with the "cold drinks." It looks like red wine, but that wouldn't normally be cold, and it's in cups. So maybe grape juice? She hints at Alex to scram, which he does.

Mr. Sketch actually asks Mallory "Come here often?" and Mal actually laughs. This is all sorts of yuck. They cheer their grape juice.

Meanwhile, at the lakeside cabin, Elise has some nookie-nookie on her mind, but Steven wants to squeeze in a triathlon first so he's in top form for Ron. Elise again is worried about the male unbonding that will inevitably occur, especially when she learns Steven moved their stuff to the other bedroom because he measured it and it's slightly larger.

Enter Ron and Suzanne Davis. Ron is played by Jay Tarses, who'll go on to play the coach in Teen Wolf with Michael J. Fox, although the actors don't interact here. Suzanne is Brooke Alderson, who did some minor TV in the 80s.

Ron doesn't waste any time busting Steven's balls for not having a 4WD car, and we know immediately where this is headed. Ron tries to take the first-class bedroom, but Steven steers him toward the coach cabin (pun!). 

Suzanne tells Elise she's had a long talk with Ron and the "competition thing" will no longer be an issue. Oh Suzie, you innocent summer child.

And to undercut her point, Ron promptly (and correctly) accuses Steven of taking the big room.

Back at the house party, someone turns off the lights to really get the orgy going. That's too far for Alex, who switches them back on. The lip-smacking couple in the foreground are oblivious until Alex announces that it's house rules that the lights stay on. 

Then this vixen's like screw that, Alex (who she calls Albert), turn off the lights and I'll screw you! Alex promptly changes his name and reverses the house rules, and the lights go back off. Ow ow!

Not for long, though, because the phone rings. Alex gets it. It's Steven, who asks about the noise but seems placated by Alex's dumb excuse that it's just the TV. We don't hear the other side of the conversation, but Steven apparently asks to speak to Jennifer and Mallory. I thought Steven was about to wrestle Ron to exercise a primal male right to mate with the loser's wife or something?

Anyway, Jennifer casually tells Alex that Mallory left with "some guy," which we know is code for Mr. Sketch. Alex gets all freaked out and tells his dad that Mallory is insulating the attic. Good cover, Keaton!

Alex hangs up and heads outside, presumably to track down Mallory. But no sooner does he open the door when we hear the dreaded prowl howl. Ick ick ick.

A short time later, somehow all the guests have cleared out and the living room appears to be in immaculate condition. Jennifer is lounging on the sofa that the two horndogs were all over (yuck) and scolds Alex for pacing. She asks him why he's so upset if Mal is out with his friend, which Alex confirms. I'm sorry; I can't buy these two as friends. Alex looked skeeved out every second he was around him. 

Regardless, Alex tells Jennifer that Mr. Sketch may not act like a gentleman with Mallory. Jennifer doesn't give a shit, and tells Alex he's a failure and orders him to rub her tummy. What the hell is with this kid?

This...doesn't look right, especially as the camera slowly zooms in on the rubbing. I want out of this plot, damn it. Give me Ron and Suzie!

Jennifer tells him to rub clockwise, then counterclockwise, and eventually tells Alex he sucks at rubbing her stomach, so that stops (Thank God). Alex says he regrets ever agreeing to throw a party, which he legit refers to as an orgy, and bemoans his bad judgment.

Jennifer's all like STFU you sucky tummy rubber and sing me a song. And she further demands it be a torch song. I have no idea why this segment is in the episode. It contributes nothing to the plot.

Alex speak-sings two lines of Sinatra's "One for My Baby." That, along with more tummy rubbing, knocks Jennifer out cold in five seconds. Remember that trick for the future, Alex!

Mallory returns, looking a bit forlorn and disheveled. Alex unloads on her for skipping out with Mr. Sketch. She tries to go up to bed, but he demands she sit down and confess all the indecent details. She refuses, they argue, and she storms upstairs. And, blessedly, Jennifer slept through the whole thing.

Back at the cabin (damn you, cabin, where were you when I needed you two minutes ago), the guests enter with Ron rubbing a trophy in Steven's face that proves he and Suzanne are the best dancers at the resort. Not sure how that competition went, but I'm sure it would have been a better watch than Alex tending to Jennifer's every demand like she was Norma Desmond.

Suzanne doesn't look too happy with Ron about the trophy, which makes me wonder how she mustered the enthusiasm to be half of the triumphant dancing duo. 

Apparently, dancing was only part of the overall competition. Steven totals up the different events: dancing, swimming, golf driving, archery, and a spelling bee (what fun). The daily total has the Davises up by 24, but Steven says he and Elise are still ahead by 34 points. How? Isn't it the same day? Whatever.

The husbands still want to compete, and the wives are bored and annoyed (join the club, wives). The husbands decide the only way to determine who is the champion of the cosmos is a game of Monopoly. Ron orders Suzanne to get his dice from the bedroom. Why not use the dice in the game box? Maybe he brought along weighted dice for just this possibility.

But Suzanne has had it. She says no dice (second pun!). She lays into Ron and says if he ever wants to lay into her again he better join her in the bedroom. But Ron doesn't seem too concerned, and Steven is completely oblivious in his own obsession.

Now it's Elise who loses it. She sends Ron to his room and tells Steven the competitions are lame. She wants it to be their last trip with the Davises unless Steven works it out with Ron. Steven agrees, saying this place means a lot because this is where they honeymooned. 

All this reminiscing has gotten them hot and bothered. Per usual, they demonstrate their physical affection in a common area rather than their bedroom. Steven says he's going to talk to Ron in the morning and drop the competition.

Cue Ron, who exits his bedroom in a robe, cigarette in hand, claiming another "victory." Eww. WTF, Ron? And he and Suzanne were in there for two minutes; I'm not sure that makes a victorious statement. Although it might be he is claiming just the first of several rounds because he goes back in for more. I really don't want to think about it.

Neither do Steven and Elise.

Back at the Keaton residence, it's the next day. Alex still wants to confront Mallory, and Mallory still avoids him.

Jennifer Keaton, who's ready for her close-up, lectures Alex about his failure to effectively communicate, and again Alex just takes it.

After Jennifer effs off upstairs, Alex offers a half-hearted apology to Mallory before demanding details about her hot night with Mr. Sketch. Mal's had enough of his shit and says she's old enough to take care of herself, and that he's only acting this way because she has a vagina.

Alex denies this; he's acting this way because she has a vagina AND is his sister.

Ding dong! Mr. Sketch, now looking like Fabian, has arrived with flowers for Mallory, and perhaps a song and dance. Alex says he should go home, and Mr. Sketch says Mallory should be the one to decide that. Mallory agrees...

...and promptly tosses the flowers in the trash. Woo hoo! I would have preferred her stuffing them down his throat, but I'll take what I can get.

Mr. Sketch looks all butthurt, and Mal asks what he's even doing here.

Mr. Sketch says he came by to give her another chance because *obviously* she wasn't thinking clearly last night when she refused to drive his stick shift. He considers that her "biorhythms" might have been off. Even the studio audience seemed taken back by that.

Mallory is incredulous and rails into him, but not in the way he wants, calling him an egotistical, conceited jerk. Come on, Mal, you can do better than that.

She orders him out of the house. So he goes...

...but then spins around to say he's keeping the door with her open...

...which she shuts in his face. Bye bye forever, Mr. Sketch! I was hoping the audience would applaud here. It sounds like one audience member tried two claps, but it didn't catch.

Alex is stunned that his sister can handle herself.

Mal finally spills the beans on what happened the night before. Mr. Sketch kept feeding her corny lines in his car, and she finally picked up on it. All the signs were there earlier at the house, but whatever.

Then, Mr. Sketch drove her up to "the point" and the "wrestling match" started, which I assume is code for attempted sexual assault. Alex says he'll kill him, but Mal claims to have inflicted bruises on him that will take two weeks to heal. I'm not sure I really want to know, but I'm a bit curious where those bruises are because he looked just fine a minute ago.

They brush aside the attempted sexual assault business, which Jennifer overhears, much too easily. Mallory thanks Alex for caring about her welfare, and Jennifer snaps a photo of them hugging to put in her scrapbook next to the one she took of the couch horndogs.

It feels like the episode should end there, but after a quick fade to black and back, the kids are busy cleaning up the living room before their parents walk in. Well, Mallory and Alex are at least. Jennifer's still up on the balcony and is barking orders. I don't think she cleaned a thing. 

Also, what's left to clean up? I noted how the living room looked pristine after all the raunchy revelers disappeared off screen. And even if there was still stuff to clean, they had the rest of the prior night and all day to do it, which Alex could have done if he wasn't busy serenading Jennifer and rubbing her tummy.

Whatever was left to do, they finish just in time to sit down and "act natural" as their parents walk in.

Steven and Elise are thrilled with their model children, and the kids almost get away with it...

...but then Jennifer volunteers to show them her PG-13 photos. Mallory looks at Alex like WTF is wrong with her? But Alex, who's been Jennifer's kept man the entire episode, is too scared of her to react.

Overall, this episode is a slight step up from the pilot. Once again, the good stuff is thanks to Mallory and Alex, especially Mallory. Unfortunately, she was off screen for a large segment. Steven's competition with Ron sucked, in part because we didn't see any of it. Elise once again was there just to center Steven. And Jennifer's bossiness, which I do enjoy in small doses, was way too much. But there's still a lot of potential to be tapped. Don't worry, folks, the episodes get better from here.

My grade: C+

Firsts: The cabin; Ron & Suzanne